To be Selfish

f501ce5771e29303bfbb16e3ca2e9f49I had the opportunity to finally read Milk and Honey by Rupi Kaur the other day and I have never read a more poignant poetry book in my life. The words written in this little black and white book are still bouncing around in my brain , still reprimanding me, still making me feel less lonely.

But I realised too that I can’t keep on being the one in a bumpy relationship who thinks that she is entitled to act as she pleases because she has been hurt. I sometimes feel so strongly that she is the love of my life, and that I always need to “try it out” just to make sure. I feel like I want to just hang out with her because I like hanging out with her but that’s not fair. She doesn’t want me as a friend, she wants all of me, she wants to be together. I didn’t used to think that the two were so different but now I know that they are worlds apart and it’s selfish to act otherwise.

I have been the abused, but I have also been the abuser and as the time passes I am coming to be the latter more and more and I don’t need to end up like that. I need to have  the nerve to let her go with grace, and I am being selfish contacting her time and time again when she is obviously weak to me right now. It’s so messy and I still carry so much anger about the time I spent together with her, how pathetic I became, how little, how weak, how repulsed by my own existence. I should not be part of the reason why she should feel that way.

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