I want it to stop.
I don’t know how to articulate how I feel about this matter and I don’t really know what my “triggers” are. All I know is that I spend 99% of my time thinking about food. Sometimes I resist eating and I have a normal day where I can eat a normal amount of food. It’s getting to be about every second day that I binge and purge though, and I’m starting to record it now so that I can start to realise the seriousness of this condition.
I used to just let it happen, I used to just feel sorry for myself, I used to think having an eating disorder was okay. Now it makes me want to rip my head off and throw it off a mountainous cliff. Now that I want to stop I can’t. I don’t want to think about food all the time and when I let myself eat I don’t want to always have to negotiate between binging and purging or struggling against the urge to binge and purge for the rest of the day. I don’t want to live like this. This disease takes up so much time and space in my life and mind and it prevents me from doing anything creative or productive.
I want to exercise, be healthy, make things, but at the moment I am being completely prevented from doing these things. Often I think that all it will take is just a bit of self-control, or maybe just a change of scene, but actually, that’s not true. I have tried to change my scene and I know that usually when I am this desperate I can have self control. This is out of my hands and I feel hopeless.
I don’t want to feel hopeless or helpless and so I have made a counselling appointment with my university service. Going off how useless the GPs are at my university and how obsessed with time they are and how little they give a shit about individual people as a result, I am absolutely sure that this won’t help. I figure if it doesn’t help though I will pay to see a good GP and get referred to the Eating Disorder Services in my area. It scares me to do this because mental illness is so stigmatised but I am not going to live like this forever because it just isn’t a real and full life.
So my first counselling appointment is on the 28th of October and until then I will try my best to be healthy, to refrain from binging and purging, to stop weighing myself so much, stop scrutinising the figure in the mirror. I’m going to keep track of when I binge and purge so that I can tell the counsellor or the GP if the counsellor is shit. I think the state of my mind has got to be good right now if I am asking for help and am actively seeking it, I’ve never done this before and it makes me excited to think about living without fear of food.