Something that is so far out of reach

Oh my goodness. Jumping back on the trying to get someone’s attention band wagon is bloody intense, and nerve wracking, and I feel really bad about myself??

I can’t do it. I can’t be this excited about love prospects that I make up entirely in my mind. I can’t do it because then, when they come over to study with my flat mate I act weird,  and possibly showy?? And I don’t act like my cool and funny self, I act too interested, too much. I am too much when I am not myself. I feel sick. I want so much for someone, but I want so little to lose myself  in the process.

It’s such a little girl thing to like someone for how they look instead of what they are actually like as a person. Maybe it is desperation, I would like to think not. But I can’t be sure. I feel so panicked that I acted so unlike myself. I am now resolving to be single forever because it will spare me the internal turmoil that I can absolutely live without.

I can’t describe properly this feeling other than to say that it feels like a constant yearning for something that is completely out of reach. It’s not a good feeling at all.


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